Stressful day, but a good ending

In my last blog post I was talking about how I have been on progesterone suppositories, but was going to run out before the weekend was over. The office in their letter to me had mentioned if this was the case, to call, and leave a message even though they wouldn't be in the office and someone would call in the prescription to the pharmacy they deal with. Well yesterday I called and left a message telling them I did need a refill.
I called the pharmacy around 11am, and no one had called in the progesterone yet. So I waited until the afternoon. At 2pm the pharmacy still hadn't received the order yet. So I waited some more. The entire time getting angrier and angrier, and more and more frustrated. I immediately went online to get some advice. After coming across someone on a message board that is a patient at the same clinic as I am (what are the chances?) she suggested calling up the pharmacy again. I called him up and explained the situation, and he agreed to give me a few to get through the weekend.
::Insert sigh of relief here::
I was so stressed out that missing the progesterone was going to cause a miscarriage. Man my imagination was not my friend today! In the end I came home with enough medication to get me through the weekend, and a little surprise.
Andre had been out, and knew how stressed out I was, so he bought me a bouquet of mini pink carnations. They were sitting in a vase in the diningroom when I got home this afternoon. He's such a sweetie. I think I'll keep him!

I have a confession to make

This is what I saw at 5am yesterday morning. I caved. I had to test before my beta. This test was not actually the first test. My first test was Wednesday morning. Where I got the faintest lines in the history of the world. Here I am at 8am (after analyzing the internet cheapie tests for a full hour) waving the sticks in front of Andre.

Me: Andre do you see two lines?

Andre: Ummm (looking at them closely with squinted eyes) no. Well what colour are they suppose to be?

Me: Pink

Andre: Well, there are two lines, but one of them is really light.

Ah, no romantic surprises in our house.

I tested with the digital at 5am on Thursday morning. I took the picture, then left the test on the counter for Andre to see and then went back to bed to try and get some sleep. At a more respectable 7:30, Andre cheered, and we hugged, and got ready to go to the clinic for my Beta.

We both waited very impatiently all day, Andre at home, and me at work for the results and finally around 3pm between clients Andre called and told me that the nurse had just dropped off a letter and her congratulations off at the house because they couldn't reach us via phone. For now the plan is to continue taking the progesterone suppositories, and go in again Tuesday morning for a repeat beta, where hopefully the numbers will have continued to rise by the appropriate amounts.

So please continue to send your rising number and sticky baby vibes my way if you can!

For those of you that know me IRL, and have me on FB, you know the drill, please don't mention anything!

Now we wait

My first (hopefully my last for a couple years) 2ww ever commences today! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself over the next two weeks with only two visits to the clinic scheduled for that time.

Everything went fabulous this morning. We were up bright and early this morning, so early in fact that the sun was just beginning to rise over the roofs across the street. Way too early for a Saturday morning! We dropped off the sample at the office then came home and had some breakfast. Then headed back down to the clinic for the actual IUI. They took us right away, and I'm so proud of Andre he actually sat in the room with me, he did hold his newspaper over his face for the entire procedure though.

To quote Andre: "Jenna as soon as I saw him bring out that speculum, I was freaked out!"

His post wash count was excellent at 33 million, so both the RE and Andre were very happy. The whole procedure took less than five minutes, and honestly was more comfortable than my last pap test. I just closed my eyes and told God it was up to him now. It's out of our hands now, we just have to wait and see. We were home shortly after 9 and then I immediately told Andre I needed a nap so I went upstairs and slept for over two hours.

I know in our hearts we both  so desperately want this to be it for us, but don't want to say it out loud, in case we're disappointed. So for all of you out there if you could send any thoughts or prayers our way we would really appreciate it. And for those of you that have been wishing us luck and have been so supportive over the last few months, you will never know how much it has meant, thank you.

My last needle?

Hopefully for a very long time!

I had yet another follie check this morning. The dildo cam and me are on a first name basis. My little follie-that-could had grown to 19mm. For those of you that have been reading this blog, can you tell me what that meant?

Ding, Ding, Ding! You're right, it's finally mature!!

After three long months on Clomid and 10 days of jabbing myself in the stomach I was actually going to ovulate! I went in to meet with Dr. C after I had my b/w and u/s and he looked over my results and high fived me.  He then got very serious and told me that he recommended we do an IUI. It didn't mean that we had to do one, just that it had taken us a long time to get to this point, and he wanted to give it all we could.

Luckily I knew that this was going to happen and Andre and I had already had this talk the night before. I told Dr. C that we had discussed it and wanted to do everything that we could within our power to make this work. He told me that I made his job so much easier, and told me I was to get an HCG trigger shot (an injection that triggers ovulation) before I left, and give myself one last stab with the Puregon tonight and then would tell us whether we should head in Saturday or Sunday for the IUI. We got the call and bright and early tomorrow morning we will be heading down to the clinic so I can get knocked the hell up! (Well hopefully)

For those of you out there that are unfamiliar with what an IUI is, you can visit this website for an explanation. Normally I would write one out, but it's 11pm and I am bushed from all the craziness today. Wish Andre and I luck tomorrow, and the next time you hear from me I will be in the 2ww!

I don't know what to think anymore

Today is not such a great day. I had my second follie check since starting the Puregon. Today was the second time there has been no response. My follies are still "very small" as the tech puts it. Remember how I said that a mature follicle is around 20 (give or take a few mm)? Well my office will only give us the measurement after it has reached 10mm, and they haven't told me any measurements (ever). Even the tech this morning was trying so hard to find something with that dammed dildo cam. She looked at me and said "I wish I had some good news for you." So here I am after 5 days of stabbing myself in the abdomen and nothing to show for it. I have to do in yet again on Wednesday morning. I know I should be optimistic, but at this moment, I feel nothing, expect nothing.

I was so full of faith and hope just a few days ago. Today, not so much. I feel defeated. At this moment I have no hope. Four months, four different meds, and nothing to show for it except less money in our bank account. This is the eighth month that we have been TTC. Not once in those eight months have we had one shot. Not one freaking chance at getting pregnant.

I know I'm suppose to have faith that God has a plan for us. That there is a reason that all of this is happening, but I can't think of one. I haven't been to church in weeks. I just can't bring myself to go and see all the families. All the babies. It hurts my heart too much. My mom will come home and tell me about how so-and-so just had a baby, how this person asked where I've been. I just sit there numb and just nod my head, I just don't care. I just don't have enough in me to care right now.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope tomorrow I can smile at someone and mean it.

The Cost of Fertility Treatments

The one thing that worried me when I realized a long time ago that a very real possibility for us would be fertility treatments was the cost of it all. Yes we have money in the bank, yes we own our own home and work full time, but we're far from wealthy. We don't have tens of thousands of dollars sitting in the bank, and let's face it whenever someone mentions those words "fertility treatments" the first thing that pops into your mind are dollar signs, and visions of the Gosselins and Octomom, but that's another blog entry all together.

So for all of you out that are reading this and wondering, whether it be because fertility treatments could or are a reality for you, or it's just out of morbid curiosity, here is the real cost of fertility treatments. Or at least the cost that we have incurred over the last three cycles. Now keep in mind that I am still in the midst of my third cycle, and we do not know yet whether I am going to need a trigger shot to enduce ovulation, or whether we will be able to do timed intercourse, or if IUI is recommended. These variables will change the final total.

Now I will colour code each cycle so you have an idea of the cost that way. I will also start out with some diagnostic costs that we had to pay for, as well as the general medication that I had to take as a result of my PCOS diagnosis. Because I also have IBS, combined with the nasty Metformin side effects, my RE recommended a prescription prenatal vitamin with 5mg of Folic Acid because I was at a higher risk of malabsorption, that cost is included as well.

For those of you that are our neighbours to the South, you will notice I do not include the cost of my monthly monitoring, additional testing (ie. HSG), or bills for RE visits. This is because our Provincial Health Care plan (OHIP) covers all of these expenses. I honestly do not think our journey thus far would have been possible without these expenses being covered for us. For that I am truly grateful to live in Canada. We are also lucky that Andre's work insurance covers some of my medication that is not infertility related, so that helps greatly as well.

So with all that babbling here we go our Out of Pocket (OOP) Expenses:

Semen Analysis: (none covered by private insurance) $125.00
Diagnostic blood work (both) and ultrasound (me): OHIP
Metformin-3 month supply, 1000mg/day: (total:$130.44) After Insurance:$41.70
PregVit Folic 5-3 month supply of prenatals: (total: $121.46) After Insurance: $39.13
Total: ($376.90 without private insurance) After Insurance: $205.83
Cycle 1:
Provera (10mg/day for 10 days): (total $15.48) After Insurance: $8.48
Clomid 50mg (5 days): $45.45
All monitoring b/w and u/s: Free
Total Cycle 1: (without insurance: $60.93) After Insurance: $53.93
Cycle 2:
Provera (10mg/day for 10 days): (total $15. 48) After Insurance: $8.48
Clomid 100mg (5 days): $78.91
All monitoring b/w and u/s: Free
Total Cycle 2: (without insurance: $94.39) After Insurance: $87.39
Cycle 3:
Provera (10mg/day for 10 days): (total $15.48) After Insurance: $8.48
Clomid 150mg (5 days): $112.39
HSG (diagnostic test): Free
Puregon 300iu: $335.00
(may be subject to additional costs)
All monitoring b/w and u/s: Free
Total Cycle 3: (Without Insurance: $462.87) After Insurance: $455.87

Total OOP Expenses Cycle 1-3: $803.07

Ovaries meet Puregon

I had my latest follie check this morning. It was just as I suspected, no response. This time I wasn't upset, I expected it. I know that I should never go into a cycle expecting failure, but I needed to to protect myself. There was that glimmer of optimism with the first check, but this one I just wanted it to be over, be done with Clomid.

The ultrasound technician tried really hard, and by hard, I mean she warned me it would hurt (and it did). She really wanted to make sure that she didn't overlook anything. But there was nothing there to overlook. Now don't get me wrong, there are follicles, but they are much too small. Like I mentioned before a mature follicle needs to be around 20mm, and mine were all under 10, on the 14th day of my cycle. The tech told me to talk to Dr C if I had time this morning so after getting my b/w done I waited to talk to him.

The first words out of his mouth when reviewing the results were "no response" the words I'm so used to hearing. He gave me two options for going forward: 1) wait another 3-4 days then come back for a follow up u/s and b/w to see if Clomid was going to do anything at all OR 2) move right on to injectable medications. For me it was a no brainer. I told him I didn't feel that 3-4 days would make any difference in my response. I wanted to move onto injectables. He agreed.

So this evening armed with the Puregon website on my laptop, and Andre by my side I got over my lifelong phobia of needles, and injected myself. Oh.my.goodness! I can't believe I was actually able to do it. I am so proud of myself! The plan now is to inject myself with 35iu (international units) of Puregon (which is FSH-Follicle Stimulating Hormone), each night for three nights, and then have a follow up exam on Saturday morning.

I think the only way to describe how I feel is excited! Aside from our first Clomid cycle, I feel hope. I feel like we have a shot. I feel like this could be the cycle for us. I know as well that this attitude could lead to something very bad if it's not successful, but like Andre says, we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. For now I'm going to live in that little bubble of optimism, daydreaming what it will be like to see those two little lines on a pregnancy test.

All Clear!

Well I had the HSG done this morning, and I got the all clear. Everyone kept telling me how cool it would be to see my uterus and fallopian tubes on screen, but the way the room was situated I didn't get a chance to see anything :o(

It was over super quick though. Everything I had read about the procedure said that the entire thing would last around 5 minutes. I think the entire test lasted around 2 minutes! It was a little uncomfortable, comparable to a Pap test I guess. The real pain came after. They did the test, he told me it was done and everything was normal, and unblocked, then the nurse ushered me into a washroom with a pad that was probably made in 1970, it was so thick. As I was getting dressed the cramping really started. For about a half hour/45 minutes I had really bad cramping, but then it went away. The cramping afterwards felt worse than the actual test did amazingly enough.

Before the test I had my first follie check of this cycle. It was just as the other two failed Clomid cycles started; quite a few small follicles, but none even close to 10mm. I was not upset though since I didn't have my hopes up that the Clomid would actually work this time. I didn't hear back from the clinic this afternoon about what my next step is though, which is super frustrating! I left a message, and I know the clinic is open tomorrow (a Saturday), so I hope that someone will return my call tomorrow instead of making me wait till Monday.

I think now I am going to rest since I am in the midst of the head cold from hell. Tylenol Sinus is calling my name.

Welcome to Crazytown

Population: Me

Or at least that is how I feel while I am on Clomid. I don't know what it is about that drug, but it's like all common sense and normalcy leave my body, and all that is left is this hysterical, crazy person. Not fun.

So if you haven't guessed I am once again on the Clomid bandwagon. I had my baseline b/w and u/s done on Friday morning which was CD2. We discussed some options about what the next step could be since the previous two cycles on Clomid were non-responsive. The RE asked about my symptoms and since I don't have a history of some of the more horrible Clomid side effects (headaches/migraines, vision disturbances) he decided to try one more time. This time he prescribed 150mg. I am not looking forward to the craziness. I'm crossing my fingers the maniacal mood swings last cycle were a fluke, and I will be cool as a cucumber this time. Only time will tell.

He did tell me that if when I go in for my first follie check this coming Friday that there has been no response, that he will immediately start another different medication. I will not have to wait for this cycle to be ended yet again with another dose of Provera. I also made a big stink about not having a Hysterosalpinogram, otherwise known as an HSG, so I have one of those booked on Friday morning as well.

An HSG is one of the first tests that most RE's recommend that their patients before beginning fertility treatments. My RE is of the opinion (I'm not saying it's the right opinion) that if you are of a lower risk for fallopian tube blockages, he will wait until there is an unsuccessful cycle (ie. ovulation, but no pregnancy) before ordering one to be done. Well I changed my mind about halfway through the second Clomid cycle. I decided that I wasn't willing to go through the emotional roller coaster of another cycle if he wasn't going to order one. So at 11:30 on Friday morning I will have dye shot through my fallopian tubes. Doesn't that sound like fun?

My mother along with two of my friends have had this procedure done. My mother and one of my friends said that it was no big deal. My other friend said it was one of the most painful things she has had to go through. Altogether the procedure is suppose to last around 5 minutes. I'll give you my verdict later on on Friday. Since I have no clue how I am going to feel, and since I can only take Tylenol beforehand (this sucks so much) I booked the afternoon off. I decided that if having someone insert a catheter through your cervix and then shoot dye through your reproductive organs doesn't constitute a "mental health day" then I don't know what does. That and I'm already working Saturday, so when you think about it it's like I'm not really taking any time off.

Cycle #2 of Clomid=FAIL

For the second time I have gone for my last follie check around CD21-22 only to find that instead of the Clomid producing follicles they have disappeared. 7 out of 8 of my follicles were gone. I have one remaining on my left ovary, so I will be heading into the clinic on CD3 for my first visit with the dildo cam of the cycle. I am NOT looking forward to that at all. The danger with one follicle remaining is that it will remain and turn into a cyst. Fertility drugs do very bad things to cysts, and a cyst could grow and eventually rupture causing damage. This is something that RE's monitor, so this can be avoided.

I was given another prescription for Provera. We haven't discussed what I will be taking next cycle, but it was decided at my second check this cycle that I would be starting a different medication, and not trying a higher dose of Clomid. At this point the two options would be Femara, or Injectibles. Now I just have to wait out the next two weeks until we find out what the next plan is.

Stay tuned.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

That pretty much sums up our day yesterday. Yesterday being another appointment with Dr. C our RE. We had both been walking on eggshells since last week. First in anticipation of Andre's Semen Analysis (SA) on Monday, then the results on Wednesday. It's been a rough few days with most of it spent constantly nit-picking at each other. We were both so frustrated, nervous and on edge and we took that frustration out on each other. Not fun.


So first off at the clinic was a full round of ultrasounds for me. Yeah, more quality time with the dildo cam! (this is sarcasm people!) The ultrasound tech was a wonderful woman, she joked that I could still smile and laugh even though she was pushing on my full bladder. I told her I've had so many u/s over the last year that I've discovered the ideal amount of water to drink so my bladder is nice and full, but not so much I'm grimacing in pain on the table.


Now you may remember reading that I've had two other u/s done, one from my family doctor when I first approached her with what was going on, and other time with my gyno who specifically sent me for u/s's to rule out PCOS. Well I don't know what happened when both of those doctors said that everything was clear, because clear as day were a bunch of tiny little cysts on my ovaries. Here is a picture of a poly cystic ovary:

From what I saw on my u/s picture mine were more bunched together, but you get the picture. The picture above is pretty much textbook Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome findings. So after all this time, 18 months of wondering why I was not ovulating I know the reason. I have PCOS. At least now we have a diagnosis. Since Andre's SA results came back and he passed with flying colours, we can now move on to the next step: treatment.

In addition to some lifestyle modifications that I need to make, Dr C has prescribed Metformin to help manage some of the symptoms associated with the PCOS, Provera to end this never ending 80+ day cycle, Clomid that I am to start on Cycle Day (CD) 3 as soon as the next cycle begins. This medication will help to stimulate ovulation, but he is doubtful that the doseage he recommended will do the trick. He said he was going to "give me the benefit of the doubt". Finally he changed my regular OTC prenatal vitamin to PregVit5 which is a higher dosage prenatal to counteract the nasty side effects, and possible malabsorption of nutrients of the Metformin, and my IBS. All I have to say is thank goodness for health insurance! Even with our coverage, we ended up paying over $100 for all the medications.

I started taking the Metformin and the Provera last night. Today I'm feeling pretty good, but not 100%. I don't feel any nausea, but just feeling blah, and a little off. Hopefully that's as bad as it gets today.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much for this upcoming cycle especially when Dr C doesn't feel that it will work, but I just can't help it. I know Andre is excited, he was a little bummed when I told him that the medication might not work and I might not ovulate at all. I don't know who will be more disappointed by a big fat negative (BFN), me or him. Until then we have faith. Faith that we are in good hands, and that we are on the right path to becoming parents.

(The source of the image used was found here)

Without faith a man can do nothing;

with it all things are possible.

~Sir William Osler

First Visit-Check

We had our first visit at the Fertility Clinic yesterday afternoon and had the chance to meet Dr. C yesterday. The visit went really well, and we are now in the midst of getting all of our preliminary tests and blood work done. Andre was so funny when we were sitting in the waitingroom before our appointment yesterday. It was us and two other couples waiting for appointments. Andre turns to me and whispers "Jenna, we're not the only ones!" It made me smile.

Now begins the rollercoaster of trying to figure out what is the problem. Originally my gyno Dr. A had said after the blood work and ultrasounds that it wasn't PCOS, but Dr C isn't convinced, and has ordered more indepth bloodwork to rule that out as well as the usual hormone level work up and all the STD screening that is required. All in all over the past two days I have had 12 vials of blood taken from my arm. That breaks my record of 6 vials taken one year. I am very lucky though that both of the lab techs, one at the Fertility Clinic and the other at the lab were very good and I am hopeful that I will only have two small bruises to show for it.

Next week is the big week, with Andre's Semen Analysis on Monday, and then my second appointment on Wednesday for (yet another round of) ultrasounds and a pelvic exam, they'll probably throw another pap in there for good measure I imagine. We both have our fingers crossed for Monday. The thought of male factor infertility is almost too much to imagine right now. We've briefly discussed what we would do if that was the case, but the possibility of having to consider IVF or donor IUI is too much to think about right now. But like Andre and I tell eachother all the time, we will cross that bridge if we get to it. Right now we just have faith that he is fine and our only hurdle is figuring out what my issue is.

Well that is it for now!