I'm Broken

Yes, that's right, I'm broken. I don't work the way I should. Andre should return me and ask for an exchange.

I took my last birth control pill in October. Almost three months ago now. I haven't had a period since. I've done some reading (and talking to other women) and I know that it can take many months before your cycles will return to normal, but it feels like my worse fears have been realized.

Before I went on the pill my cycles were all over the place. A few months they would arrive like clockwork, and then things would go all crazy and I would get maybe 3 periods in one year. I mentioned it to my doctor and their answer was "well if we put you on the pill that will be fixed." Now older wiser and actually contemplating have children in the next few years I realize that there could have been other things going on. That I might have been ovulating only sporadically or worse yet, not at all.

I mentioned to Andre about a month ago that I hadn't had a period since I went off the pill. His face kind of dropped. I had shared why I wanted to go off the pill a year before we wanted to start trying to have a baby. He asked me if I was afraid. I told him that I was, but that I wasn't going to allow myself to think about it until we absolutely had to. He asked me I was going to go to the doctor, but I told him no. There's nothing that the doctor could do for me. I hadn't been off the pill long enough, and we weren't actively trying to get pregnant anyway.

Today I found myself feeling moody and "off", so I find myself dwelling. I started thinking of my mother calling me twice this week to announce that two women we know "accidentally" found themselves pregnant. I wonder if Andre and I will ever get to be parents. I worry that we'll be one of those couples that is forced to make the choice of using fertility drugs, but realistically I know that that might not be a financial reality for us, and either would the cost of adoption.

I was visiting my friend Pam and her beautiful little baby Abbey on New Years Eve during the day and Pam and to run to her grandmothers for something. Abbey and I were sitting on the couch together and I was watching her laugh and smile at me. I realized at that moment holding her that I wanted to be a mother one day, with all my heart I wanted that. Then I closed my eyes and prayed to God that one day he would let that happen.