I figure I should be ready for a white padded room by the end of next week. I am over analyzing every single twinge, feeling, everything. To make matters worse I am on Progesterone suppositories. Progesterone makes me crazy. I am overly emotional and snap at the drop of a hat.
Just yesterday I was at work and a patient came in the office that used to work with Andre. He has a 20 year old son. His son would not work, would not go to college/university, drank himself silly 99% of the time, and to make matters worse, liked to dabble in drugs. The patient came in to announce that he was a grandfather (complete with pictures). Said son's girlfriend gave birth to a baby girl. I'm usually very good at holding it together, but yesterday it took all I had to hold it together until I could leave the reception area. Life isn't fair. Why does God see fit to bless them with a baby, while Andre and I are going through hell for the chance to have one?
Today I'm not much better. My clinic called me this morning to tell me when I have to come in for my pregnancy test (blood test). I have to come in Thursday July 1st. I'm happy that they finally called to tell me when to come in, but first of all they only open at 9 and I have to be at the other end of the city by 10 for work. I'll be cutting it close. As well I will only be 12dpiui by that point. I'm nervous about the test being too early. Needless to say I will not be testing with a home test before going in. I guess I will have to warn Andre to let the clinic leave a message on the answering machine so we can listen to it together when I get home from work. I just can't listen to it at work. If it's bad news I know I will be a mess.
I have been so optimistic the last few days, but today, I am just a heap of pessimistic emotions. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
My saving grace this weekend is the fact that we will be having house guests this weekend! My wonderful friend Laura is coming into town with her little girl! I haven't seen Laura in about a year, and have yet to meet her little girl. It will be wonderful to have her visit, and it will be a nice distraction for me.
In the meantime any positive thoughts that can be sent my way would be greatly appreciated!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Now we wait
My first (hopefully my last for a couple years) 2ww ever commences today! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself over the next two weeks with only two visits to the clinic scheduled for that time.
Everything went fabulous this morning. We were up bright and early this morning, so early in fact that the sun was just beginning to rise over the roofs across the street. Way too early for a Saturday morning! We dropped off the sample at the office then came home and had some breakfast. Then headed back down to the clinic for the actual IUI. They took us right away, and I'm so proud of Andre he actually sat in the room with me, he did hold his newspaper over his face for the entire procedure though.
To quote Andre: "Jenna as soon as I saw him bring out that speculum, I was freaked out!"
His post wash count was excellent at 33 million, so both the RE and Andre were very happy. The whole procedure took less than five minutes, and honestly was more comfortable than my last pap test. I just closed my eyes and told God it was up to him now. It's out of our hands now, we just have to wait and see. We were home shortly after 9 and then I immediately told Andre I needed a nap so I went upstairs and slept for over two hours.
I know in our hearts we both so desperately want this to be it for us, but don't want to say it out loud, in case we're disappointed. So for all of you out there if you could send any thoughts or prayers our way we would really appreciate it. And for those of you that have been wishing us luck and have been so supportive over the last few months, you will never know how much it has meant, thank you.
Everything went fabulous this morning. We were up bright and early this morning, so early in fact that the sun was just beginning to rise over the roofs across the street. Way too early for a Saturday morning! We dropped off the sample at the office then came home and had some breakfast. Then headed back down to the clinic for the actual IUI. They took us right away, and I'm so proud of Andre he actually sat in the room with me, he did hold his newspaper over his face for the entire procedure though.
To quote Andre: "Jenna as soon as I saw him bring out that speculum, I was freaked out!"
His post wash count was excellent at 33 million, so both the RE and Andre were very happy. The whole procedure took less than five minutes, and honestly was more comfortable than my last pap test. I just closed my eyes and told God it was up to him now. It's out of our hands now, we just have to wait and see. We were home shortly after 9 and then I immediately told Andre I needed a nap so I went upstairs and slept for over two hours.
I know in our hearts we both so desperately want this to be it for us, but don't want to say it out loud, in case we're disappointed. So for all of you out there if you could send any thoughts or prayers our way we would really appreciate it. And for those of you that have been wishing us luck and have been so supportive over the last few months, you will never know how much it has meant, thank you.
Friday, June 18, 2010
My last needle?
Hopefully for a very long time!
I had yet another follie check this morning. The dildo cam and me are on a first name basis. My little follie-that-could had grown to 19mm. For those of you that have been reading this blog, can you tell me what that meant?
Ding, Ding, Ding! You're right, it's finally mature!!
After three long months on Clomid and 10 days of jabbing myself in the stomach I was actually going to ovulate! I went in to meet with Dr. C after I had my b/w and u/s and he looked over my results and high fived me. He then got very serious and told me that he recommended we do an IUI. It didn't mean that we had to do one, just that it had taken us a long time to get to this point, and he wanted to give it all we could.
Luckily I knew that this was going to happen and Andre and I had already had this talk the night before. I told Dr. C that we had discussed it and wanted to do everything that we could within our power to make this work. He told me that I made his job so much easier, and told me I was to get an HCG trigger shot (an injection that triggers ovulation) before I left, and give myself one last stab with the Puregon tonight and then would tell us whether we should head in Saturday or Sunday for the IUI. We got the call and bright and early tomorrow morning we will be heading down to the clinic so I can get knocked the hell up! (Well hopefully)
For those of you out there that are unfamiliar with what an IUI is, you can visit this website for an explanation. Normally I would write one out, but it's 11pm and I am bushed from all the craziness today. Wish Andre and I luck tomorrow, and the next time you hear from me I will be in the 2ww!
I had yet another follie check this morning. The dildo cam and me are on a first name basis. My little follie-that-could had grown to 19mm. For those of you that have been reading this blog, can you tell me what that meant?
Ding, Ding, Ding! You're right, it's finally mature!!
After three long months on Clomid and 10 days of jabbing myself in the stomach I was actually going to ovulate! I went in to meet with Dr. C after I had my b/w and u/s and he looked over my results and high fived me. He then got very serious and told me that he recommended we do an IUI. It didn't mean that we had to do one, just that it had taken us a long time to get to this point, and he wanted to give it all we could.
Luckily I knew that this was going to happen and Andre and I had already had this talk the night before. I told Dr. C that we had discussed it and wanted to do everything that we could within our power to make this work. He told me that I made his job so much easier, and told me I was to get an HCG trigger shot (an injection that triggers ovulation) before I left, and give myself one last stab with the Puregon tonight and then would tell us whether we should head in Saturday or Sunday for the IUI. We got the call and bright and early tomorrow morning we will be heading down to the clinic so I can get knocked the hell up! (Well hopefully)
For those of you out there that are unfamiliar with what an IUI is, you can visit this website for an explanation. Normally I would write one out, but it's 11pm and I am bushed from all the craziness today. Wish Andre and I luck tomorrow, and the next time you hear from me I will be in the 2ww!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
One of those meant-to-be meetings
Now I am a massage therapist, so I meet a lot of people. Well today I had a new client. I was not particularly looking forward to meeting this person simply because she was a new mom....of twins. I just didn't know if I was ready to spend a prolonged period time locked in a room with a new mom of twins. Especially after the day that I had yesterday.
Well she ended up being a very nice woman, and those twins; those twins were IVF babies. I don't know how it came up, but she mentioned it. Those twins weren't just IVF babies either, they were FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) babies. Their very last frozen embryos after a number of unsuccessful (fresh) cycles. Instantly I liked this woman more. I then told her that my husband and I were patients at the local fertility clinic (there are three within a 40 minute radius). We started talking and it was so wonderful to talk to someone who had been through hell and back but had two beautiful little babies to show for it.
It gave me hope. Gave me just a little bit of strength that I so desperately needed this week. Just because it doesn't work the first time doesn't mean it won't work. Andre and I will be parents one day. We just have to be patient, that and possibly win the lottery, that wouldn't hurt either!!
Well she ended up being a very nice woman, and those twins; those twins were IVF babies. I don't know how it came up, but she mentioned it. Those twins weren't just IVF babies either, they were FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) babies. Their very last frozen embryos after a number of unsuccessful (fresh) cycles. Instantly I liked this woman more. I then told her that my husband and I were patients at the local fertility clinic (there are three within a 40 minute radius). We started talking and it was so wonderful to talk to someone who had been through hell and back but had two beautiful little babies to show for it.
It gave me hope. Gave me just a little bit of strength that I so desperately needed this week. Just because it doesn't work the first time doesn't mean it won't work. Andre and I will be parents one day. We just have to be patient, that and possibly win the lottery, that wouldn't hurt either!!
Monday, June 14, 2010
I don't know what to think anymore
Today is not such a great day. I had my second follie check since starting the Puregon. Today was the second time there has been no response. My follies are still "very small" as the tech puts it. Remember how I said that a mature follicle is around 20 (give or take a few mm)? Well my office will only give us the measurement after it has reached 10mm, and they haven't told me any measurements (ever). Even the tech this morning was trying so hard to find something with that dammed dildo cam. She looked at me and said "I wish I had some good news for you." So here I am after 5 days of stabbing myself in the abdomen and nothing to show for it. I have to do in yet again on Wednesday morning. I know I should be optimistic, but at this moment, I feel nothing, expect nothing.
I was so full of faith and hope just a few days ago. Today, not so much. I feel defeated. At this moment I have no hope. Four months, four different meds, and nothing to show for it except less money in our bank account. This is the eighth month that we have been TTC. Not once in those eight months have we had one shot. Not one freaking chance at getting pregnant.
I know I'm suppose to have faith that God has a plan for us. That there is a reason that all of this is happening, but I can't think of one. I haven't been to church in weeks. I just can't bring myself to go and see all the families. All the babies. It hurts my heart too much. My mom will come home and tell me about how so-and-so just had a baby, how this person asked where I've been. I just sit there numb and just nod my head, I just don't care. I just don't have enough in me to care right now.
I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope tomorrow I can smile at someone and mean it.
I was so full of faith and hope just a few days ago. Today, not so much. I feel defeated. At this moment I have no hope. Four months, four different meds, and nothing to show for it except less money in our bank account. This is the eighth month that we have been TTC. Not once in those eight months have we had one shot. Not one freaking chance at getting pregnant.
I know I'm suppose to have faith that God has a plan for us. That there is a reason that all of this is happening, but I can't think of one. I haven't been to church in weeks. I just can't bring myself to go and see all the families. All the babies. It hurts my heart too much. My mom will come home and tell me about how so-and-so just had a baby, how this person asked where I've been. I just sit there numb and just nod my head, I just don't care. I just don't have enough in me to care right now.
I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope tomorrow I can smile at someone and mean it.
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