What is a blog if not for being completely honest right? So I'm putting it out there, I'm unhappy. No, I'm not unhappy that I'm a mother. I love being a mother, I love Emilie. I love everything about her and being her mother, not to say that there haven't been some rough bits getting to this moment, but this post isn't about that.
I'm unhappy about the status of my marriage. If I was to be completely honest, my marriage has suffered since Andre and I have become parents. I think we have both struggled to try and find the balance of being Jenna and Andre, while adjusting to being mom and dad at the same time. We haven't hit our stride, and at moments like this it makes me wonder if we ever will.
It's hard to talk to my close friends that have children because I don't want them to hate my husband, and think that everything is 100% his fault, because it takes two people to make a relationship work or reversely fail, so 50% of the problems are because of me. You get the advice from people from my parents generation, the "you marry your first child and give birth to the rest" or "It doesn't get any better you know.", generation. Then I feel like screaming back that I refuse to live like this for the next 35 years. I don't want to wake up 35 years from now hating and resenting my husband because that's what marriage is suppose to be like. Then you get the advice from my generation, the in-touch-get-your-feelings-out generation. "You need to tell him how you feel" "You need to tell him what you need" "You need to tell him what to do", generation. Well sometimes I would like to go 24 hours without feeling like a nag, his mother, or just a bitch. Just 24 hours.
The entire time you know that your mother is thinking that I should just get over it and then I'll just be happy, and then my friends are thinking that they are so thankful that they're marriage doesn't suck as much as mine. At least that's what I think they're thinking.
It just seemed so easy before we were parents. We'd been together for almost 8 years, we had us figured out. We knew the ins and outs of us. Then we decided to change everything, add a new role into the mix, add the role of mom and dad to all the other hats that we wear.
In our case I know that the transition to mom was an easier one for me. It's been easier for me to just put Jenna aside and be "Mom". With Andre, I feel that he has struggled with the transition. I feel Andre doesn't want, or isn't ready to just put Andre aside and concentrate on being "Dad". I've tried quite a few times to discuss this with him, but it gets so exhausting trying to explain everything, trying to explain my feelings. I'm just so tired.
I would love one day not having to tell him how to do something, or asking him for help when I feel like he should just know by now when I'm going crazy and stressed out trying to do 5 things at once, that maybe, just maybe checking his e-mail or calling his father might not be a good idea, and he should help me with the baby instead. Why can't he just "get it"?
Le Sigh
I don't know what the point of this is. I feel alone, like no one else in my circle has felt this way. Like we're the only ones to go through this. Ever. Even though I know realistically that can't be the case.
2 comments:
I feel this every time I have a baby.
Partially it's hormones. Partially it's just him.ugh.
Mostly it's me. I put too much pressure on perfect.
I speak rudely and harshly and get exasperated-- and it doesn't help. not. one. bit.
He gets angry, I get hurt. but we as the mom still have to go on.
We don't get to storm off or brood.
It gets better.
Many men have trouble bonding until the baby starts moving. Starts communicating.
After my second I tried talking his language. Sex.
I told him how incredibly sexy it was when he held the baby. I gave him jobs.
Bathing the baby is his job. He really took to it. (Steve loves babies right away--but it still doesn't mean we didn't have "us" trouble)
I asked him what I could do for him... not what he could do for me.
He was surprised by the question most times.
I try to watch my tongue.
It's hard because it's sharp but when I'm calm... he's calm.
you're right. it's not all Andre, but it's mostly Andre. I don't mean that in a bad way. but it's a big deal for men. your time is split between him and baby. you do become a different person when you become a mother, but you owe it to him and yourself not to lose who you are. YOU ARE A FUN GIRL, JENNA. Don't forget it. That's why he loves you.
if you want to talk, I'm more than happy to have no real answers but I can be a listening ear. (email me on facebook and I can give you my phone #)
I've been there. I'm there every once in a while. but I just try to remember a bible study I did one time on the Proverbs 31 woman... the woman is the barometer in the home. Your home is your domain and his castle. Your kid is a visitor.
Take care of eachother first. Emilie can cry a bit--it won't hurt her. She can lay in her crib a bit longer while you prepare dinner. And your house can wait too. If you don't clean the bathroom today, it will be there tomorrow.
Life goes at a slower pace.
Love you Jenna. You are NOT alone.
the most important advise I can give, is don;t just be mom. Infact more than that....the most important relationship for you to nurish is the one with your husband. CHildren love you unconditionally, spouses do not. And if your marriage is filled with unity and happiness, the love withing your family will grow and grow.
Make sure to nuture and strengthen you relationship with Andre. You are husband and wife first and mommy and daddy second. have weekly date nights even if/especially if they are only at home. Dating in your own home, planning something special a romantic candlelight dinner or the like, within the walls of your home as a wonderful reminder that you are still husband and wife, even in your home with your baby. You need to feel that closeness, and not only when you are out on the town. Day to day. stay intimate, even if it is with a love note, or a small token such as bringing him his favorite soda home as a treat.
Remind him, that the two of you are still the two of you, that has not changes, you have added another person, but you still have each other the same way yyou always have.
this is way late I know that....
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