I'm Baaaaack

Well I wasn't really gone, but decided to get off my butt and do a blog entry today. I promised my friend Mary Ann that I would do and update and recipe, so I am accountable!

I hate to say it but it looks like cycle #2 on Clomid is looking like a big fat fail. I had my first Follie Check (follicle check) last Wednesday. That was CD10. The good news was that I had 4 follicles on each ovary. The bad news was that they were all under 10mm and the biggest on each side was only 6mm. To give you a good reference, a mature follicle is around 20mm. See, mine were small. The lab tech is always so nice. She had "the look" on her face, but still told me "It's still early!" in her Romanian accent.

After a week spent in a emotionless haze, I was back again this morning for my second follie check. More dismal news. It was CD15 today and my follicles had not grown. Not the news I was dying to hear. It seems that I had shed all my tears last week so the remaining emotion today is just frustration. I have not ovulated since April 1, 2009. It has been 397 days since Andre and I last had a chance at getting pregnant. I would just like a chance, just one chance. Instead I count the days until I have to take some drug to give me my period.

::Le Sigh::

The worst part of this morning is that Dr. C wasn't in the office yet this morning when I was getting my b/w and u/s done. So instead of having a meeting with him immediately I had to wait until he had a chance to review my results. They finally called just a little bit ago. Dr C agreed that I am not responding to the Clomid (although the nurse assured me that anything could happen over the next week). I have to go back next Monday for yet another follie check. If at that time there is no response I am going to start Provera again. Oh Joy! The only difference is that they won't be doing Clomid again. We will be doing a different treatment. I have no idea what that will be, so I will be discussing that with him then.

So now I just sit and wait.

Here goes nothing!

We (I) officially start Clomid tonight. I'm trying to remember that Dr C doesn't have much faith that 50mg of Clomid will work, but we're still being optimistic, miracles can happen right?

Cross your fingers and toes people!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

That pretty much sums up our day yesterday. Yesterday being another appointment with Dr. C our RE. We had both been walking on eggshells since last week. First in anticipation of Andre's Semen Analysis (SA) on Monday, then the results on Wednesday. It's been a rough few days with most of it spent constantly nit-picking at each other. We were both so frustrated, nervous and on edge and we took that frustration out on each other. Not fun.


So first off at the clinic was a full round of ultrasounds for me. Yeah, more quality time with the dildo cam! (this is sarcasm people!) The ultrasound tech was a wonderful woman, she joked that I could still smile and laugh even though she was pushing on my full bladder. I told her I've had so many u/s over the last year that I've discovered the ideal amount of water to drink so my bladder is nice and full, but not so much I'm grimacing in pain on the table.


Now you may remember reading that I've had two other u/s done, one from my family doctor when I first approached her with what was going on, and other time with my gyno who specifically sent me for u/s's to rule out PCOS. Well I don't know what happened when both of those doctors said that everything was clear, because clear as day were a bunch of tiny little cysts on my ovaries. Here is a picture of a poly cystic ovary:

From what I saw on my u/s picture mine were more bunched together, but you get the picture. The picture above is pretty much textbook Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome findings. So after all this time, 18 months of wondering why I was not ovulating I know the reason. I have PCOS. At least now we have a diagnosis. Since Andre's SA results came back and he passed with flying colours, we can now move on to the next step: treatment.

In addition to some lifestyle modifications that I need to make, Dr C has prescribed Metformin to help manage some of the symptoms associated with the PCOS, Provera to end this never ending 80+ day cycle, Clomid that I am to start on Cycle Day (CD) 3 as soon as the next cycle begins. This medication will help to stimulate ovulation, but he is doubtful that the doseage he recommended will do the trick. He said he was going to "give me the benefit of the doubt". Finally he changed my regular OTC prenatal vitamin to PregVit5 which is a higher dosage prenatal to counteract the nasty side effects, and possible malabsorption of nutrients of the Metformin, and my IBS. All I have to say is thank goodness for health insurance! Even with our coverage, we ended up paying over $100 for all the medications.

I started taking the Metformin and the Provera last night. Today I'm feeling pretty good, but not 100%. I don't feel any nausea, but just feeling blah, and a little off. Hopefully that's as bad as it gets today.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much for this upcoming cycle especially when Dr C doesn't feel that it will work, but I just can't help it. I know Andre is excited, he was a little bummed when I told him that the medication might not work and I might not ovulate at all. I don't know who will be more disappointed by a big fat negative (BFN), me or him. Until then we have faith. Faith that we are in good hands, and that we are on the right path to becoming parents.

(The source of the image used was found here)

Without faith a man can do nothing;

with it all things are possible.

~Sir William Osler

First Visit-Check

We had our first visit at the Fertility Clinic yesterday afternoon and had the chance to meet Dr. C yesterday. The visit went really well, and we are now in the midst of getting all of our preliminary tests and blood work done. Andre was so funny when we were sitting in the waitingroom before our appointment yesterday. It was us and two other couples waiting for appointments. Andre turns to me and whispers "Jenna, we're not the only ones!" It made me smile.

Now begins the rollercoaster of trying to figure out what is the problem. Originally my gyno Dr. A had said after the blood work and ultrasounds that it wasn't PCOS, but Dr C isn't convinced, and has ordered more indepth bloodwork to rule that out as well as the usual hormone level work up and all the STD screening that is required. All in all over the past two days I have had 12 vials of blood taken from my arm. That breaks my record of 6 vials taken one year. I am very lucky though that both of the lab techs, one at the Fertility Clinic and the other at the lab were very good and I am hopeful that I will only have two small bruises to show for it.

Next week is the big week, with Andre's Semen Analysis on Monday, and then my second appointment on Wednesday for (yet another round of) ultrasounds and a pelvic exam, they'll probably throw another pap in there for good measure I imagine. We both have our fingers crossed for Monday. The thought of male factor infertility is almost too much to imagine right now. We've briefly discussed what we would do if that was the case, but the possibility of having to consider IVF or donor IUI is too much to think about right now. But like Andre and I tell eachother all the time, we will cross that bridge if we get to it. Right now we just have faith that he is fine and our only hurdle is figuring out what my issue is.

Well that is it for now!

February 24th

This is the day that a new journey will begin. This is the day of our consultation with Dr. C the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that we have been referred to. I was very shocked to come home from a morning out with my friend Pam on Friday to a message written in the kitchen that Andre had taken. I expected to be waiting longer than a week and a half, but it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

We are now being sent to someone who deals solely with trying to get women knocked up. We can now relax knowing that someone is going to tell us #1 if it's possible, and #2 how to make it possible. The best part (for me) is that one of the first tests they will run is a Semen Analysis, meaning for once Andre will be examined under a microscope, not me. From here they will know if they're dealing with a problem with both of us, or just myself.

**Fingers crossed everything with Andre is fine**

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers on the 24th!

One Step Closer

This morning was the follow up appointment with my gynocologist, Dr. A. My first appointment with him I was impressed. Finally someone who was concerned about what was going on, and not going on. Someone who was on my side! This feeling quickly faded with subsequent appointments with him. I felt that he was just not prepared, and didn't even take the time to review my chart before entering the room. He was always asking questions that he had already asked (and already recorded in my chart). Not very reassuring.

Today was no different. This time was a little different in that Andre came with me, and came into the treatment room with me. I think this was a little bit of an eye opener for him with all the life-sized female reproductive system pictures, and models. Also the exam table with the stirrups was right in front of us.

Dr A started by asking me when my last menstrual cycle was. I told him the date (almost 60 days ago). He then asked me if he had "assisted with this". Seriously?! This was the doctor that prescribed the 14 days of the Provera. Check your chart doc, seriously. I told him yes, he had prescribed 14 days of Provera. He asked me a few questions about how I was on it, and I told him the length of my period. He then asked what we wanted to do next. I told him we were trying to get pregnant.

He then told me that there was no reason why this couldn't happen as my hormone levels were completely normal (flipped through the chart for this information), and my ultrasounds were all normal. He then told me that I could just call him anytime for an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy! I was a little speechless at this point. I then very calmly told Dr A that I had been charting since the day I stopped taking birth control almost 18 months prior, and that I did.not.ovulate. Again, all information that was in my chart!

So the best part of the appointment was that he told me that he would be referring me to Dr C. Dr C is a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and he runs a Fertility Clinic in my city. So Andre and I are one step closer. Hopefully by the end of the month we will just be counting the days (or weeks) until our first visit with the RE. Someone who will tell us definitively what we will have to do to have a baby of our own.

Until then we will continue to chart, and pray that maybe, just maybe we'll be able to do this the old fashioned way.

More waiting

It has now been a month and a half since I finished the Provera. Just as I suspected, no period. I had little faith that I would get one, but I decided I would humour the doctor. I've also been trying to call the gyno for the last two days to try and book my follow up appointment. Monday, no answer, just voicemail. Today, more of the same, so I left a message this time with my reason for wanting to book an appointment. Hopefully I'll hear back from them sometime this week. They were so vague on the voicemail too, "I cannot answer the phone as I am either busy, on the other line, or the office is closed.". Well what is it? You'd think if the office was closed for more than one day they would leave a message stating that. Oh well.

Andre has been the little optimist through this whole thing. He is the one with the never ending faith that one day we will be parents. Me on the other hand, I tend to be more of a realist in these situations. Even the other night he turned to me and asked "how my temperatures have been, and did I think I was ovulating?" You'd think after your wife harping about how she never, ever ovulates, you'd know the answer, but in his mind, anything is possible. I just told him, most likely no, but you can never tell.

Hopefully some of that optimism will rub off on me.

And we wait some more

Well I finished the dreaded two weeks of Provera. Overall not a horrible experience. I ended up spotting all but three days of the two weeks, but didn't experience any terrible side effects aside from the PMS and cramps from hell the last week.

I knew by the second week that I would be getting a period. There was no way my body could hurt that badly if I wasn't going to get a period. And sure enough the last day of the course of Provera the period to end all periods arrived. I was happy that my body achieved the desired result at least.

So now we wait. I am to now wait a month to see if the Provera will kick start my cycles. I don't have terribly high hopes, but my mother tells me to be optimistic. We have also decided that regardless of what happens, that I am not going back on the pill. Instead we are going to try for a baby. A huge step, and one that we are both on the same page about. It took some discussing. Andre, bless him, was hesitant because he thought that I would get pregnant right away. Once I explained that with my track record of one ovulation per year, this would be next to impossible to happen right away without the help of a miracle, he was more relaxed.

It's funny, but lately it seems like he's talking about children and babies more often. Even last night we were in church at their annual Christmas Candlelight Service and there was a young couple seated behind us with a newborn. At one point Andre turned to me and whispered that I had to turn around, there was a baby that was brand new behind us and he was so cute with a little Santa hat on. I thought it was the sweetest thing.

Who knows, maybe next Christmas we'll be busy planning for our own little baby on the way. One can only hope.

Here goes nothing

I'm on day two of the Provera. I had some nausea and other bowel related symptoms yesterday. I also have IBS, so I'm hoping that was the cause otherwise it's going to be a very long two weeks. I have noticed today that my appetite has decreased, altogether this isn't a horrible thing, so we'll see how I feel over the next two weeks.

In other news Andre's 41st (!!!!) birthday is this Wednesday. We usually just do a dinner out and then get eachother a small gift to celebrate. I think I've decided to get him season 1 of Dexter as his gift. He became Dexter obsessed somewhere in the middle of Season 3, so he wants to catch up. I think my mother is going to get him Season 2 for Christmas, so we'll be watching some tv when we're both off over the holidays I think.

Being put back together--Follow Up.

I've been waiting to write this entry. Trying to let things settle in my brain a little bit.

So on Thursday morning I had the follow up with my gyno regarding my uterus. They had the results of my preliminary blood work (b/w), and my ultrasounds (u/s). All of my b/w was within the normal range. They had tested my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone), LH (Luteinizing Hormone), and my Prolactin levels, oh and a pregnancy test for good measure. Surprise, surprise, I am not pregnant.

Then they checked my u/s results. The purpose of the u/s was to rule out PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and to check the thickness of my uterine lining. It turns out that all my girl parts are perfect (for someone who doesn't get a period) and they ruled out PCOS. I guess the silver lining of this is that they didn't find anything wrong immediately. We'll go with that.

So the next step in all of this is a Progesterone Challenge . I was given the prescription for Provera, and I am to take it for 2 weeks. I am waiting for some pesky random spotting to stop before I start the prescription. I was told that if I do not get a period at the end of it all I am to call immediately to book another appointment. If I do get a period at the end of it, then I am to wait another month in the hopes that the Provera will have "kick-started" my cycles again. If it doesn't, I have to go back and they want to put me back on the Birth Control Pill (BCP).

This was the point of the appointment that I was not happy with. I feel like going back on the BCP is a huge step back. I asked what would happen when we wanted to try to conceive (TTC) if I went pack on the pill; I would have to go back off the pill, wait, TTC, and if unsuccessful go back to Dr. A for hormones to help me ovulate. Andre and I have talked, and we're not too keen on having to go back on BCP for 3-6 months (they want to put me on Seasonale) only to have to do the 6-12 month unsuccessful TTC wait, and then start fertility treatments that well, could take years to be successful. Let's face it, Andre isn't getting any younger (and my biological clock is already ticking).

So we have some thinking to do. We have thrown around the idea briefly over the last few days about starting to TTC in March. By then Andre will be done his probation period at work, he'll be at his maximum pay, and we'll have a benefit plan (although they don't cover any fertility medications, I already checked). Most importantly, the 5th of March is my 31st birthday. We still have alot to think about, and some numbers to crunch, especially being I am self-employed and do not get maternity leave benefits.

The good thing in all of this is that the ball is rolling, more slowly than I had hoped, but rolling nonetheless.

"Patience is the art of hoping."

~Marquis de Vauvenargues

Being put back together. (TMI warning)

Steps are finally being made to fix my brokenness. You can read about me being broken here and here. I finally had my first appointment with Dr. A last week. I was a little nervous as Dr. A had a foreign name, and I didn't know if this Dr A was a male or a female. My worst fears were that Dr A was a male with a horribly thick accent and a horrible bedside manor (totally had this before at my GP's office). I can now relax. Dr. A does not have a horrible accent, and he had a very good bedside manor. Phew! The weird thing is that his associate (also a Gyno) is my middle sisters ex-boyfriends father! Talk about small world.

It was a little weird sitting in the waiting room as I was the only one sitting there that was under the age of 50. I'm not kidding. The rest of waiting room was filled with empty nesters, that and there were about 10 clocks hanging on the walls. I want to know what the deal is with the clocks. The random things you notice when you're sitting uncomfortably in a specialists office.

So I went through a bunch of questions with Dr. A and a resident that he asked could join us. He seemed very concerned with my lack of a period. He was very adamant that I should be getting one period 4 times a year at the very minimum. The worry being a higher risk of certain cancers with the imbalance of hormones. I was relived that he seemed concerned with both the bleeding and the lack of periods instead of just ignoring one of the problems.

I had to do yet another vaginal exam (my third since January) and yet another pap smear (my second since January). He explained that I had my last in January, but he wanted to be able to rule out everything so he did another one. I'm getting to be a pro now. It makes me laugh every time a doctor does a vaginal exam now because they all say the same thing **TMI WARNING**

"Wow, you really do bleed alot" or "All I have to do is touch your cervix and you bleed" I feel like shaking my hands in the air and saying "No Shit! Now just figure out why and fix it!!!" It's like they haven't really been believing me until they see it for themselves.

This doctor seems to think the bleeding is caused by my transitional cells on my cervix changing location and moving too far forward, and because they are so fragile, every time they are touched I bleed. The root cause of this would be the lack of hormonal changes. In the meantime I was sent for some blood work "only three vials though", the lab tech told me. And another round of ultrasounds.

This time I learned that I'm a little more hydrated then the average person though because I was on the verge of being too full. Yes, too full. This was after I started drinking my water a whole 20 minutes later then they asked because my bladder was so full the first time I was in pain. I was practicing my deep breathing and she poked and prodded my bladder. The best part was when I finally got to empty my bladder. Heaven. But then I had to go back for part 2. The part I affectionately call the "dildo cam" Sorry Amy, I totally stole your name for it. The added bonus was when I had to hold my breath and poke my sides so she could get a good picture of my left and right ovary.

Now some more waiting. I have a follow up appointment in two weeks, so god willing Dr A will have been able to gleam something from my test results.

A small step in the right direction

You may recall me mentioning here about being broken. Well I'm sad to say that things haven't really improved much since that blog entry. In fact things have kind of gotten worse.

(*note* some may find this to be a bit too much information, so some may chose to stop reading now*)

Since going off the pill I have ovulated and gotten my period once in 11 months. That's a pain, but not really the worst part. I started bleeding during and after sex about 2 months in. That's the biggest problem. I put off going to the doctor (thinking everything would just get better on it's own) until my best friend made me call my doctor. That appointment led to swabs, blood work, and two ultrasounds (what an experience that was!). Thankfully everything came back normal. All of that was about two months ago. My doctors office very nicely called me (after I called them first for the results) and told me "Oh, we didn't call you with the results because everything seems to have come back normal." End of conversation.

I was fuming that day. So upset that they just dropped everything. No asking if the problems still persisted, nothing. I called the doctors office about 2 1/2 weeks ago to ask them for a referral to a gynecologist. The conversation went something like this:

me: Hello, my name is Jenna M. I am calling for a referral to a gynecologist.

receptionist: Oh, well you need to come in for that.

me: I was in for an appointment two months ago for blah, blah, blah. I was sent for swabs, blood work and two ultrasounds. Everything came back normal, but the issues haven't improved.

receptionist: okay, well I'm going to have to leave a request for Dr. W and then a nurse will have to call you back.

Finally after more than two weeks of waiting I finally have an appointment with some mystery gyno at the end of October. At least now I'm on the road to figuring out what the hell is going on. I told Andre that he might have to trade me in for a younger model that actually works. The joke of that being that I'm 10 years younger than him already. Just goes to show, age means nothing!

I'm Broken

Yes, that's right, I'm broken. I don't work the way I should. Andre should return me and ask for an exchange.

I took my last birth control pill in October. Almost three months ago now. I haven't had a period since. I've done some reading (and talking to other women) and I know that it can take many months before your cycles will return to normal, but it feels like my worse fears have been realized.

Before I went on the pill my cycles were all over the place. A few months they would arrive like clockwork, and then things would go all crazy and I would get maybe 3 periods in one year. I mentioned it to my doctor and their answer was "well if we put you on the pill that will be fixed." Now older wiser and actually contemplating have children in the next few years I realize that there could have been other things going on. That I might have been ovulating only sporadically or worse yet, not at all.

I mentioned to Andre about a month ago that I hadn't had a period since I went off the pill. His face kind of dropped. I had shared why I wanted to go off the pill a year before we wanted to start trying to have a baby. He asked me if I was afraid. I told him that I was, but that I wasn't going to allow myself to think about it until we absolutely had to. He asked me I was going to go to the doctor, but I told him no. There's nothing that the doctor could do for me. I hadn't been off the pill long enough, and we weren't actively trying to get pregnant anyway.

Today I found myself feeling moody and "off", so I find myself dwelling. I started thinking of my mother calling me twice this week to announce that two women we know "accidentally" found themselves pregnant. I wonder if Andre and I will ever get to be parents. I worry that we'll be one of those couples that is forced to make the choice of using fertility drugs, but realistically I know that that might not be a financial reality for us, and either would the cost of adoption.

I was visiting my friend Pam and her beautiful little baby Abbey on New Years Eve during the day and Pam and to run to her grandmothers for something. Abbey and I were sitting on the couch together and I was watching her laugh and smile at me. I realized at that moment holding her that I wanted to be a mother one day, with all my heart I wanted that. Then I closed my eyes and prayed to God that one day he would let that happen.