I am slowly going crazy.....

I figure I should be ready for a white padded room by the end of next week. I am over analyzing every single twinge, feeling, everything. To make matters worse I am on Progesterone suppositories. Progesterone makes me crazy. I am overly emotional and snap at the drop of a hat.

Just yesterday I was at work and a patient came in the office that used to work with Andre. He has a 20 year old son. His son would not work, would not go to college/university, drank himself silly 99% of the time, and to make matters worse, liked to dabble in drugs. The patient came in to announce that he was a grandfather (complete with pictures). Said son's girlfriend gave birth to a baby girl. I'm usually very good at holding it together, but yesterday it took all I had to hold it together until I could leave the reception area. Life isn't fair. Why does God see fit to bless them with a baby, while Andre and I are going through hell for the chance to have one?

Today I'm not much better. My clinic called me this morning to tell me when I have to come in for my pregnancy test (blood test). I have to come in Thursday July 1st. I'm happy that they finally called to tell me when to come in, but first of all they only open at 9 and I have to be at the other end of the city by 10 for work. I'll be cutting it close. As well I will only be 12dpiui by that point. I'm nervous about the test being too early. Needless to say I will not be testing with a home test before going in. I guess I will have to warn Andre to let the clinic leave a message on the answering machine so we can listen to it together when I get home from work. I just can't listen to it at work. If it's bad news I know I will be a mess.

I have been so optimistic the last few days, but today, I am just a heap of pessimistic emotions. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

My saving grace this weekend is the fact that we will be having house guests this weekend! My wonderful friend Laura is coming into town with her little girl! I haven't seen Laura in about a year, and have yet to meet her little girl. It will be wonderful to have her visit, and it will be a nice distraction for me.

In the meantime any positive thoughts that can be sent my way would be greatly appreciated!

Now we wait

My first (hopefully my last for a couple years) 2ww ever commences today! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself over the next two weeks with only two visits to the clinic scheduled for that time.

Everything went fabulous this morning. We were up bright and early this morning, so early in fact that the sun was just beginning to rise over the roofs across the street. Way too early for a Saturday morning! We dropped off the sample at the office then came home and had some breakfast. Then headed back down to the clinic for the actual IUI. They took us right away, and I'm so proud of Andre he actually sat in the room with me, he did hold his newspaper over his face for the entire procedure though.

To quote Andre: "Jenna as soon as I saw him bring out that speculum, I was freaked out!"

His post wash count was excellent at 33 million, so both the RE and Andre were very happy. The whole procedure took less than five minutes, and honestly was more comfortable than my last pap test. I just closed my eyes and told God it was up to him now. It's out of our hands now, we just have to wait and see. We were home shortly after 9 and then I immediately told Andre I needed a nap so I went upstairs and slept for over two hours.

I know in our hearts we both  so desperately want this to be it for us, but don't want to say it out loud, in case we're disappointed. So for all of you out there if you could send any thoughts or prayers our way we would really appreciate it. And for those of you that have been wishing us luck and have been so supportive over the last few months, you will never know how much it has meant, thank you.

My last needle?

Hopefully for a very long time!

I had yet another follie check this morning. The dildo cam and me are on a first name basis. My little follie-that-could had grown to 19mm. For those of you that have been reading this blog, can you tell me what that meant?

Ding, Ding, Ding! You're right, it's finally mature!!

After three long months on Clomid and 10 days of jabbing myself in the stomach I was actually going to ovulate! I went in to meet with Dr. C after I had my b/w and u/s and he looked over my results and high fived me.  He then got very serious and told me that he recommended we do an IUI. It didn't mean that we had to do one, just that it had taken us a long time to get to this point, and he wanted to give it all we could.

Luckily I knew that this was going to happen and Andre and I had already had this talk the night before. I told Dr. C that we had discussed it and wanted to do everything that we could within our power to make this work. He told me that I made his job so much easier, and told me I was to get an HCG trigger shot (an injection that triggers ovulation) before I left, and give myself one last stab with the Puregon tonight and then would tell us whether we should head in Saturday or Sunday for the IUI. We got the call and bright and early tomorrow morning we will be heading down to the clinic so I can get knocked the hell up! (Well hopefully)

For those of you out there that are unfamiliar with what an IUI is, you can visit this website for an explanation. Normally I would write one out, but it's 11pm and I am bushed from all the craziness today. Wish Andre and I luck tomorrow, and the next time you hear from me I will be in the 2ww!

One of those meant-to-be meetings

Now I am a massage therapist, so I meet a lot of people. Well today I had a new client. I was not particularly looking forward to meeting this person simply because she was a new mom....of twins. I just didn't know if I was ready to spend a prolonged period time locked in a room with a new mom of twins. Especially after the day that I had yesterday.

Well she ended up being a very nice woman, and those twins; those twins were IVF babies. I don't know how it came up, but she mentioned it. Those twins weren't just IVF babies either, they were FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) babies. Their very last frozen embryos after a number of unsuccessful (fresh) cycles. Instantly I liked this woman more. I then told her that my husband and I were patients at the local fertility clinic (there are three within a 40 minute radius). We started talking and it was so wonderful to talk to someone who had been through hell and back but had two beautiful little babies to show for it.

It gave me hope. Gave me just a little bit of strength that I so desperately needed this week. Just because it doesn't work the first time doesn't mean it won't work. Andre and I will be parents one day. We just have to be patient, that and possibly win the lottery, that wouldn't hurt either!!

I don't know what to think anymore

Today is not such a great day. I had my second follie check since starting the Puregon. Today was the second time there has been no response. My follies are still "very small" as the tech puts it. Remember how I said that a mature follicle is around 20 (give or take a few mm)? Well my office will only give us the measurement after it has reached 10mm, and they haven't told me any measurements (ever). Even the tech this morning was trying so hard to find something with that dammed dildo cam. She looked at me and said "I wish I had some good news for you." So here I am after 5 days of stabbing myself in the abdomen and nothing to show for it. I have to do in yet again on Wednesday morning. I know I should be optimistic, but at this moment, I feel nothing, expect nothing.

I was so full of faith and hope just a few days ago. Today, not so much. I feel defeated. At this moment I have no hope. Four months, four different meds, and nothing to show for it except less money in our bank account. This is the eighth month that we have been TTC. Not once in those eight months have we had one shot. Not one freaking chance at getting pregnant.

I know I'm suppose to have faith that God has a plan for us. That there is a reason that all of this is happening, but I can't think of one. I haven't been to church in weeks. I just can't bring myself to go and see all the families. All the babies. It hurts my heart too much. My mom will come home and tell me about how so-and-so just had a baby, how this person asked where I've been. I just sit there numb and just nod my head, I just don't care. I just don't have enough in me to care right now.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope tomorrow I can smile at someone and mean it.

Gold star for me!

I got back into the groove today, and got my butt back on the treadmill. I had been doing so well since March, getting onto the treadmill at least three times a week even when sleeping in was waaaaaay more appealing. Then I got sick. Not just the sniffles, but up all night unable to breathe for 2 nights followed by up all night for 2 more nights because of coughing, sick. Then my asthma got involved. So it was no treadmill for me until I could get the asthma under control.

It's been a week of an increased dose of my inhalers and I finally felt like I was up to getting back on there. I still can't push myself (ie jog as long or as fast as I was doing), but I still managed to get on there, and now I feel much better about myself. The best surprise came when I weighed myself this morning. This I had not done since a few days before I got sick, so it had been 19 days. EEEEEEEK! I was so nervous.

But lo and behold I had lost .8kg since last time! I was shocked! I had noticed a decrease in my appetite lately, which I attributed to well feeling like shit and not wanting to eat, and being on Metformin for just over 3 months, and it's normal to feel a decrease in appetite on Metformin. So then I calculated my total weight loss since I started this whole exercising thing: -4.7kg. Which doesn't sound nearly as impressive as -10.3lbs!!

This makes me so happy because 10lbs was my first official goal in my head. I don't actually set goals since I am a self sabotager (is that even a word?) and would find some way to ruin it for myself, so I kept this goal to myself and I achieved it! I told Andre over breakfast this morning that I should give myself a gold star!

The Cost of Fertility Treatments

The one thing that worried me when I realized a long time ago that a very real possibility for us would be fertility treatments was the cost of it all. Yes we have money in the bank, yes we own our own home and work full time, but we're far from wealthy. We don't have tens of thousands of dollars sitting in the bank, and let's face it whenever someone mentions those words "fertility treatments" the first thing that pops into your mind are dollar signs, and visions of the Gosselins and Octomom, but that's another blog entry all together.

So for all of you out that are reading this and wondering, whether it be because fertility treatments could or are a reality for you, or it's just out of morbid curiosity, here is the real cost of fertility treatments. Or at least the cost that we have incurred over the last three cycles. Now keep in mind that I am still in the midst of my third cycle, and we do not know yet whether I am going to need a trigger shot to enduce ovulation, or whether we will be able to do timed intercourse, or if IUI is recommended. These variables will change the final total.

Now I will colour code each cycle so you have an idea of the cost that way. I will also start out with some diagnostic costs that we had to pay for, as well as the general medication that I had to take as a result of my PCOS diagnosis. Because I also have IBS, combined with the nasty Metformin side effects, my RE recommended a prescription prenatal vitamin with 5mg of Folic Acid because I was at a higher risk of malabsorption, that cost is included as well.

For those of you that are our neighbours to the South, you will notice I do not include the cost of my monthly monitoring, additional testing (ie. HSG), or bills for RE visits. This is because our Provincial Health Care plan (OHIP) covers all of these expenses. I honestly do not think our journey thus far would have been possible without these expenses being covered for us. For that I am truly grateful to live in Canada. We are also lucky that Andre's work insurance covers some of my medication that is not infertility related, so that helps greatly as well.

So with all that babbling here we go our Out of Pocket (OOP) Expenses:

Semen Analysis: (none covered by private insurance) $125.00
Diagnostic blood work (both) and ultrasound (me): OHIP
Metformin-3 month supply, 1000mg/day: (total:$130.44) After Insurance:$41.70
PregVit Folic 5-3 month supply of prenatals: (total: $121.46) After Insurance: $39.13
Total: ($376.90 without private insurance) After Insurance: $205.83
Cycle 1:
Provera (10mg/day for 10 days): (total $15.48) After Insurance: $8.48
Clomid 50mg (5 days): $45.45
All monitoring b/w and u/s: Free
Total Cycle 1: (without insurance: $60.93) After Insurance: $53.93
Cycle 2:
Provera (10mg/day for 10 days): (total $15. 48) After Insurance: $8.48
Clomid 100mg (5 days): $78.91
All monitoring b/w and u/s: Free
Total Cycle 2: (without insurance: $94.39) After Insurance: $87.39
Cycle 3:
Provera (10mg/day for 10 days): (total $15.48) After Insurance: $8.48
Clomid 150mg (5 days): $112.39
HSG (diagnostic test): Free
Puregon 300iu: $335.00
(may be subject to additional costs)
All monitoring b/w and u/s: Free
Total Cycle 3: (Without Insurance: $462.87) After Insurance: $455.87

Total OOP Expenses Cycle 1-3: $803.07

Ovaries meet Puregon

I had my latest follie check this morning. It was just as I suspected, no response. This time I wasn't upset, I expected it. I know that I should never go into a cycle expecting failure, but I needed to to protect myself. There was that glimmer of optimism with the first check, but this one I just wanted it to be over, be done with Clomid.

The ultrasound technician tried really hard, and by hard, I mean she warned me it would hurt (and it did). She really wanted to make sure that she didn't overlook anything. But there was nothing there to overlook. Now don't get me wrong, there are follicles, but they are much too small. Like I mentioned before a mature follicle needs to be around 20mm, and mine were all under 10, on the 14th day of my cycle. The tech told me to talk to Dr C if I had time this morning so after getting my b/w done I waited to talk to him.

The first words out of his mouth when reviewing the results were "no response" the words I'm so used to hearing. He gave me two options for going forward: 1) wait another 3-4 days then come back for a follow up u/s and b/w to see if Clomid was going to do anything at all OR 2) move right on to injectable medications. For me it was a no brainer. I told him I didn't feel that 3-4 days would make any difference in my response. I wanted to move onto injectables. He agreed.

So this evening armed with the Puregon website on my laptop, and Andre by my side I got over my lifelong phobia of needles, and injected myself. Oh.my.goodness! I can't believe I was actually able to do it. I am so proud of myself! The plan now is to inject myself with 35iu (international units) of Puregon (which is FSH-Follicle Stimulating Hormone), each night for three nights, and then have a follow up exam on Saturday morning.

I think the only way to describe how I feel is excited! Aside from our first Clomid cycle, I feel hope. I feel like we have a shot. I feel like this could be the cycle for us. I know as well that this attitude could lead to something very bad if it's not successful, but like Andre says, we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. For now I'm going to live in that little bubble of optimism, daydreaming what it will be like to see those two little lines on a pregnancy test.

The Bachelorette

Hello my name is Jenna and I am a trash-tv-aholic. The Bachelor/ette in particular. I've watched every single season aside from the first original Bachelor, the infamous one where Trista was rejected, and ultimately started the Bachelorette franchise.

So for the next few weeks every Monday evening I will be glued to the tv seeing who she'll ultimately fall in love (lust) with. Even Andre watches it with me. He might not last the entire episode (two hours is a loooooong time) but always wanders back to watch the rose ceremony at the end. I didn't realize how much he liked this show until tonight.

I went out for ice cream with my mom, sister Carrie and my (step) niece Hailey. I got home and could hear familiar voices coming from the television. I walk into the living room, and to my amazement it's last weeks episode of the Bachelorette! Andre isn't even fazed. The first words out of his mouth when he's caught red-handed you ask? "We already saw this one."

He makes me smile. I love a man who is secure enough in his manhood to sit and watch the Bachelorette even when his wife isn't home.

All Clear!

Well I had the HSG done this morning, and I got the all clear. Everyone kept telling me how cool it would be to see my uterus and fallopian tubes on screen, but the way the room was situated I didn't get a chance to see anything :o(

It was over super quick though. Everything I had read about the procedure said that the entire thing would last around 5 minutes. I think the entire test lasted around 2 minutes! It was a little uncomfortable, comparable to a Pap test I guess. The real pain came after. They did the test, he told me it was done and everything was normal, and unblocked, then the nurse ushered me into a washroom with a pad that was probably made in 1970, it was so thick. As I was getting dressed the cramping really started. For about a half hour/45 minutes I had really bad cramping, but then it went away. The cramping afterwards felt worse than the actual test did amazingly enough.

Before the test I had my first follie check of this cycle. It was just as the other two failed Clomid cycles started; quite a few small follicles, but none even close to 10mm. I was not upset though since I didn't have my hopes up that the Clomid would actually work this time. I didn't hear back from the clinic this afternoon about what my next step is though, which is super frustrating! I left a message, and I know the clinic is open tomorrow (a Saturday), so I hope that someone will return my call tomorrow instead of making me wait till Monday.

I think now I am going to rest since I am in the midst of the head cold from hell. Tylenol Sinus is calling my name.