Here we go again!

I am officially in the midst of my second cycle on Clomid. Things are going a little differently this cycle. Last time I had virtually no side-effects. I wanted water all the time, but I go through phases like that normally, so I didn't really think anything of that. I also had a night or two of night sweats, but with the temperature fluctuations lately I really didn't think anything of it. All in all aside from it being a dismal failure I didn't do too badly the first time.

I started taking the pills Wednesday night. Thursday went okay. I felt like I was in a little bit of a foul mood, but sometimes that happens when dealing with stupid people on the phone at work right? Well Friday, hmmm, well I could definitely tell that my moods were being affected. I didn't feel like myself. I almost full on did the "OMG, could you be any more of a pain" sigh on the phone when booking an appointment. Thankfully I didn't but I wanted to. Have I mentioned before that I work in a 99% female office? Yeah, this was not a good thing Friday. One of the girls was sick and bitchy and coughing everywhere, she was irritating me. Then another girl was wound so tightly I swear to God she squeaked when she walked. She had this manic energy about her that just made me want to scream. I was on the verge of screaming and telling everyone they should just shut the eff up because they were being stupid, but I didn't.

The icing on the perverbial cake was when I was leaving work to catch the bus to go home. I walked to the crosswalk, pressed the button, waited till the hand illuminated so I could walk, checked for cars turning left and looked their way and began to cross. Then this ASSHAT came barreling into the intersection not bothering to check that there was a pedestrian crossing LEGALLY and I swear, he was 3 feet from hitting me. If it wasn't for the very frail old couple waiting at the bus stop at the other side of the street I swear I would've gone postal beating this car with my purse and tote bag. It would have been quite a show for sure. Instead I muttered obsenities, glared at the jerk and continued to cross. It took all my self control, let me tell you!

I was so angry! Not just regular angry, but in-laws-requesting-more-guests-a-week-before-the-wedding-crazy! So what was a girl to do? Pull out the big guns that's what. I did what any self respecting 30-something would do. I went home and made myself a drink. Not just any drink, but a chocolate martini. It's like Valium in a glass. It's my signature drink. I once drank 5 at a night out and the waitress was so impressed that I could drink that much and still walk (somewhat assisted) that she gave me a set of martini glasses. I still have them. But I digress....

Yes, I went home, called my mother, dug out my martini glasses and cocktail shaker and made two very excellent Chocolate Martini's. We sat, bitched about our crap days and let the wonderful chocolate/vodka goodness take over. It was heaven in a glass. The best part I was nice and relaxed when Andre got home. I figured after all the moodiness I put him through the least I could do is be in a liquor induced calm when he got home from work.

I couldn't help but hope that maybe just maybe that could be my last chocolate martini for awhile if we're successful this cycle..... ::le sigh::

I will end this blog entry with a recipe for:

Jenna's Amazing Chocolate Martini's!!
(well they're not mine, I got the recipe from some book, but whatever!)

1 oz of vodka (your favourite kind)
1 oz of Creme de Cacao (the clear one)
(for those that find regular vodka too strong, you may substitute Vanilla Vodka)

Pour into a cocktail shake filled with ice, shake and pour into a martini glass. Enjoy!!

Mean to Green (er)

I'm going to try and help us all clean up our act, or well at least our clothing with this review. Today I am going to review one of my most frequently used products at home.

I have sensitive skin, and after trying many different products, I started using the regular Arm and Hammer Detergent years ago. They started making their essentials formula a few years ago, and I love it! It is biodegradable, phosphate free, uses natural (coconut-based) surfactants and uses natural baking soda to help clean your clothes. It also comes free of all those heavily dye filled detergents, and you can also get scent free as well.

I also promise that this cleans just as well as any of the other detergents out there! Arm and Hammer is also much less expensive than other greener detergents. At No Frills you can find it for less than $6 for a 2L bottle that will clean 35 loads. I don't know about you, but I think that's a great deal! For a little extra boost in the wash you can use PC Oxygen Bleach.

Photo source here.

A little project

I know, like the office renovation isn't enough! This one has been in the works for a little while, and I have been stalking the Canada Post website waiting for confirmation of delivery before I would post pictures online! Canada Post has assured me it was delivered successfully yesterday at 1:20pm, so I can now post pictures! Yeah!

So I have a small group of girls that I have known forever. I'm talking before the problems with fertility, before the house, the wedding, before Andre and even before College. These girls knew me in High School!! As a tribute to these wonderful women and how much their friendship has meant to me over the years I have tried to do a little something extra for them on those big milestones in their lives. Mainly when they get married and have a baby. The scale of the gift has mainly depended on how much spare time I have at that given time. I've tried to do some sort of quilt for each milestone.

So when my friend Laura announced that she was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to do something for her to celebrate this. Her and her husband welcomed their beautiful little girl into the world in January and I finally completed her quilt a few weeks ago and shipped it out. For her I opted for a flannel rag quilt since they live in frosty Manitoba.

I am so happy with the final product, and it is the perfect size for them to snuggle with their little girl on those cool spring nights, and a great size for laying down for her to have a nice place to explore the world around her when she's a little older.

Here are the pictures:

A little close-up of my fabric choices.

For those that are sentimental, you will note the little white square, that is a little tag that I added to explain who the quilt was for, her birth date, and who made it for her.

The whole thing!

"Blankets wrap you in warmth, quilts wrap you in love."

~ Unknown.

Have you ever wondered...

What it looks like behind the scenes when someone is doing a renovation? I know I do. I read lots of blogs, and some of them deal with home renovations, decorating, and you only ever see the horrible before's, and the beautiful, glossy afters. You never see what is really going on while they're doing the renovations.

I decided to show you what it really looks like when you decide to renovate your office. You should maybe sit down for this. It's not pretty.

To refresh your memory this is what our guest room looked like shortly after we finished it's transformation:

Ahhhh, so bright, so crisp, so clean!

This is what it looks like now crammed with all the contents of our office that we could move:

Told you. It's definitely not pretty. It's even messier since I've been trying to sort through the mountain of paper trying to figure out what can be shredded.

Man, we have a lot of shit!

We're at it again!

Redecorating that is! The next room on our hit list is the office! This room has been months in the making. It was the last room in the house to still have wallpaper left to remove. This was the main reason it has taken us so long to tackle it.

We're still not done yet, but I'll post some preliminary pictures. This is what we started with:

This room was the perfect blend of everything horrible from the 70's and 80's. It came complete with stained pale grey carpet (I swear it makes my skin crawl), pale lavender gloss paint, fabulous balloon valance, and you can't see from the picture, but the far right wall and two smaller walls were covered floor to ceiling in a pale pink wallpaper. The full wallpaper wasn't that hard to remove, but the border was a little more difficult.

This is what the room looked like after the wallpaper was removed:

We were left with each wall presenting us with a unique problem. Two walls had been wallpapered over without being painted first (GRRRR). One wall was a matte pink paint, and two others a glossy lilac-ish colour. :Le Sigh: Can nothing ever be easy? So to make our lives a little easier we decided to use Behr's new paint and primer in one. It has covered beautifully, and I'm very impressed so far.

Alas blog land I do not have any after pictures to post. The room is painted, but I am not yet finished painting the trim, and we still have the carpet to rip out, and the new flooring to be installed. This last bit might take awhile since I think I may have lost the phone number to our flooring guy ::shakes head:: I really hope that we'll be able to find it or I might be begging all of our friends for numbers to flooring guys they know so we can get this job done.

Recipe Time!

And just in time for Easter!

I have made this pie twice already when getting together with friends. It was a hint both times, and the best part is that it is deceptively light, which is a bonus after eating a big meal.

I found this recipe in that little Magazine that Kraft sends out a few times a year. I swear I started to drool the moment I saw the picture. So if you haven't decided what to make for family for Easter dinner, make this! The best part is that you can design the top of the pie in whatever design you want. When I made it at Christmas I made a picture of a little gift. When I made it a few weeks ago, I just made lines. For Easter you could make an Easter Egg!

Peanut Butter Cup Pie:

(I think I need a more photogenic pie plate!)

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups Oreo Baking Crumbs 1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted (I use margarine)
1 pkg (8oz) Cream Cheese (I use light), softened
1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp, creamy peanut butter, divided
1 cup cold milk (I use skim)
1 pkg (3.4oz) Vanilla flavoured Instant Pudding
2 cups thawed Cool Whip, divided (I used light)
3 squares of Baker's Semi-Sweet Chocolate

Mix oreo crumbs and margarine; press onto bottom and up sides of 9-inch pie plate. Set aside.

Beat cream cheese and 1/2 cup peanut butter in medium bowl until well blended. Add milk and dry pudding mix; beat 2 minutes. Whisk in 1 cup Cool Whip; spoon into crust. Refridgerate until ready to use.

(it's not this yellow looking, for some reason my camera made it look that way)

Meanwhile, microwave remaining Cool Whip and chocolate in a microwaveable bowl on High for 1-1/2 to 2 minutes, or until chocolate is completely melted (stir halfway) and mixture is well blended. Cool completely (I let it cool a bit). Spread Chocolate mixture over pudding layer in crust.

Microwave remaining peanut butter in a microwaveable bowl until melted and smooth. Drizzle over pie.

For this step I find it easiest to pour the melted peanut butter into a plastic bag, and then snip one of the corners, or you could use a pastry bag and a tip.

Refridgerate for 4 hours, or until firm.

Enjoy!

The Roller Coaster

This week has been a rough one. I always knew that TTC for us would be a challenge. Call it a gut feeling, call it intuition, call it what you will, but I always knew. I knew when I was in my early 20's and I would only get AF twice in one year. I knew when I would get random spotting every 26 days, but no actual period. I knew something was wrong even though the doctors told me it was "normal". I just knew.

That is the reason that I told Andre that I wanted to go off BCP a full year before we actually started TTC. I wanted to get those hormones out of my system. I wanted to give my body the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to see if maybe, just maybe I would be like those women who had wonky cycles before going on the pill only to come off it years later and be like "clockwork". The universe had other plans for me. So I prepared myself. I did research on online forums, googled different conditions, took mental notes when friends talked about fertility treatments, costs and side effects. Trying to prepare myself as much as possible for that inevitable moment when some doctor told me what was wrong with me.

So when Dr C finally uttered those four words that would seal the deal, give me a label, and most likely change the rest of my reproductive life forever I was just a teeny tiny bit prepared. Happy even. There was a reason, a name, a label. There was something wrong with me! The best part is that it is a common thing, something he sees all the time, something he treats all the time. It was not a matter of if he could help us get pregnant, it was a matter of when.

I was prepared for the diagnosis, I was prepared for the plan, the Metformin, the Clomid. What you can never prepare yourself for is the roller coaster that I was about to board. The worst part of this roller coaster is that for the most part you are alone. Yes, I have a wonderful, amazing, loving, supportive husband. Andre is truly my rock. But Andre doesn't have a uterus. Andre doesn't lie on the table with his feet in stirrups while the ultrasound tech violates me with the dildo cam while I pray to God that there are some follicles. For that I am alone.

When the ultrasound tech broke my heart and told me on Monday which was the 14th day of my cycle, that the follicles that she had found the week before hadn't grown, I was alone. When I waited in the hallway of Dr C's office waiting for him to tell me that another round of Provera and a stronger dose of Clomid were inevitable, I was alone. When I realized that my dream of possibly holding a little Christmas miracle in my arms wasn't going to happen, I was alone. Even when Andre wrapped his arms around me on our way out to the car after that appointment and kissed the top of my head and told me he loved me, I felt alone.

All the reading, all the research in the world doesn't prepare you for this roller coaster; the waiting, the hoping, more waiting, more hoping. Until you've been on this roller coaster, you'll never truly know.

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto."

~P.B.S Pinchback